Even If It's Only As A Friend
by Frack
Summary: Yaoi. RuHana. Rukawa finds out first hand how much rejection hurts..


Even If It's Only As A Friend  
  
Well, hey reader. Nothing much to say.. written from Rukawa's P.O.V and his jumbled up thoughts.. so I'll just get on with the story. Oh yes, please review.   
  
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"I.. I'm sorry... I didn't mean.."  
Just like that, my life was over. My world came to a standstill. My heart stopped beating. I couldn't move. He walked away from me and dragged my soul slong with him. Making sure he trampled it with each step. I didn't want him feeling sorry. I didn't need his pity. I just want him to love me.  
You're so stupid. How could you even think he liked, much less loved, you? You're stupid, insane, crazy... He was just being a friend. Being kind. Showing his soft side. He was just conforting you, baka. And you just had to misunderstand him. And of all the things to do, you tell him? I thought you knew, expressing feelings never gets you anything except a one-way ticket to Shitville. I might as well have jumped off a cliff. At least then, he wouldn't keep avoiding me like the plague.  
  
"Rukawa."  
Just Rukawa. Not Kitsune. No smart ass remarks.  
"I.. uh, heard about your mom. I'm sorry."  
And then, God decided he would bestow upon me a miracle. He hugged me. I was dazed. I couldn't think. I couldn't speak. I just stared into those beautiful eyes. And I was lost. Everything was perfect. I was safe. I was in his arms. The hurt of being abruptly ripped away from my mother was gone. I was alive. But it was stupid of me to confuse the compassion of a friend for love. He was just being nice. And I screwed it up.  
  
Those precious few seconds that he held me, it was like I had finally started to live. I could feel my heart beating. The blood coursing through my veins. I wanted to shout, to laugh, to cry. those few seconds made my lifee seem like it was worth living. He is all I ever need to function.  
I _hate_ God. I _HATE_ God. He gave me that little chance just so he could take it away and rub it in my face as he laughed at me. Why did He just stand by and watch me screw up my whole life? Why.. couldn't He make Sakuragi love me?  
Because it was all one big, fat, cruel joke. Haha.. wouldn't it be funny to make Rukawa love Sakuragi and then let him discover that Sakuragi isn't gay. That Sakuragi is normal. Hahaha... Look at that baka Rukawa telling Sakuragi he loves him! And he expects Sakuragi to feel the same! Hahaha...  
Meaningless. That is what life is. Meaningless. Utterly and totally meaningless... without him. I can't touch a basketball anymore. Too many bloody memories... I can't eat. I can't sleep. I feel as if I'm not breathing. I just needed him to smile. Needed him to call me anything.. Rukawa.. Kaede... Kitsune.. Baka.. anything..  
I hate him! I hate him! I hate Hanamichi Sakuragi! I desperately want to hate him. It's so much easier than loving him. But I know I love him. I need him. To love. To feel. "Aisheiteru". Coming from me, those words only made him distance himself from me. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. In comparison, hell would be preferable to what I'm feeling.  
  
  
  
  
/Can I hold you...?/  
  
  
  
  
You are my only reason for going on. Please, let me hold you. Let me touch you. Let me protect you from harm. But I can't. You don't want me. At all. You hate me, you always did... I was a bloody fool to think otherwise.  
I knew it. I never should have let him in; I should have never let him through my shell. And yet, I did. Effortlessly, he pranced into my heart and decided to stay there. The feelings that I had thought were long dead started to flood my system again. I.. felt human..  
I can feel the tears coming again, I'm not surprised. Since then, they've rarely stopped. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I'll just sit here and cry until I shrivel up and die from dehidration. Hopefully soon. Then, I won't be bothering him anymore. He'll be free to go and live his life without feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. He won't have to pity me. No shadow over his head everytime he sees me.  
Then, God can start laughing. As always, the joke's on me.  
I've lost everything. My only friend, my only love. I am empty now. He walked away and left a void in me that nothing except him could ever fill. And he was the only one who ever tried to understand or care.. He looked for the person behind the mask. Foolishly, I let him see. The hideous beast unveiled. The horrible homosexual monster. He ran.  
  
"Rukawa, what are you doing here?"  
That voice... that beautiful voice. He was here. No, I must not give in again. This time, I won't allow him to hurt me.  
"Go away," I said in as cold a tone as I could muster. It sounded like a pathetic whimper.  
  
  
  
/I.. need you. Don't go. Stay, please... Hold me. I love you./  
  
  
  
  
Ignoring my sad excuse of an objection, he came closer. He knelt down in front of me and looked right into my eyes. Those beautiful hazel eyes. Shining orbs of perfection. Full of emotion. Never holding anything back. When they glowed, they made me want to smile. When they registered hurt, they made me want to carve me heart out. I looked away. Not this time. I won't give in.  
  
  
  
  
/Hold me. Please, just hold me./  
  
  
  
  
He wiped away my tears with his hand. I shoved him away. I'd had enough of his acts of pity. I'd had enough of the way a thousand sensations went through me as he touched me. I'd had enough of being hurt. I won't let him in. Never...  
  
"Don't touch me!" I screamed in a hoarse voice.  
  
  
  
  
/Please, just need you to hold me and everything will be alright./  
  
  
  
  
He ignored what I said. He just came closer and just like before, he hugged me. Bliss. This time, I was wary. I didn't want to give in. I didn't want to hurt. But I couldn't resist it. I couldn't help myself. My will power grew less and less strong with each touch.  
  
  
  
  
/Everything doesn't matter. Just never let me go and I will never shed another tear. Please, love me./  
  
  
  
His body was still pressed again mine. I had an undeniable yearning for the warmth he provided. I craved the feelings of pleasure I felt whenever our skin met. And I couldn't hold back. Not anymore. I needed him. I have only these precious few seconds to be in his arms and I am going to make the most of it. I pressed his body harder against mine. With my head resting on his chest, my arms round him, my life was perfect. Never in my life had I felt that I belonged... except here, in his arms. To hell with anything else. I had lived all my life for this.. Just a few precious moments.  
  
  
  
  
/Just keep holding me.... Even if it's only as a friend../  
  
  
  
  
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So, that's the end. Angsty,eh? Well.. I like angst but I never seem to be able to write it well. I try anyway.. So.. uhm.. I know you're sick and tired of reading this.. but please review.. They're much appreciated..   
  
E-mail: fracky_00@hotmail.com 


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